i got an anonymous comment under the last post i talked shit bout my dad and it said thank u as a subject and thats it, guy. as the comment. im so confused. it worries me a bit tho. insights??

so im going to keep writing
because i need to vent:
so idk what the fuck i need to do to get some go damn freedom. okay so i had sex with 2 boys...apparently that puts u on slut status on my dads terms. ive had sex 5 fucking times....and 2 were the same night with david!! and when i brang that up to my dad he was like "hah those are the ones i know about" what the fuck is that supposed to mean? i dont think he understands im not a fucking hoe...it took me so long to fuck david...and brandon was a mistake im not going to make again. And now hes assuming the fucking worst about me. I dont think he understands that no matter how much he tries, im not going to just turn into a little girl again. i cant make myself a virgin again and i cant change the past. instead of trying to change the past now why didnt he change the future when i was younger. maybe if he fucking cared he would have fought for me and not let me fall under that evil bitches spell. and maybe if he fucking cared he would have paid a bit more attention to who the fuck he was leaving me with....and maybe i wouldnt have been forced into being sexually active as a kid. I GET IT....im fucked up. but the thing is...im not going to magically transform into this perfect fucking arvada blessing child. im going to be no matter what but i want him to know its a mother fucking good thing...because now im strong. probably stronger than most girls in my school. not only that but im fearless now. i know how to handle mine and im not letting anyone get in the way. ive learned to fucking survive. how to get past all this bullshit and still come out on top. but thats never fucking good enough is it? because im not supposed to be me right???? well to fucking bad.

so lately my dad hasnt been letting me leave very often
and when i ask why hes saying its because
he said so
like what kind of fucking reason is that
and i thought he was just being a dick 
but i'm starting to understand his true motives
so heres the details
caroline told me he asked her if ive been having boys over
and when she said no he accused her of lying
he also told caroline that hanging out with kylees boyfriend
is going to make me want a boyfriend
and he doesnt want that to happen
and everytime someone calls he asks who it is and where i met them
and now i just asked to go to the library after school
cause i have a final in my ap class wednesday morning
and he said well pick up heather first and bring her home then you can go
and so i was like dad i cant
because it take half an hour to get there
and half an hour to get back
and i have to be home by 8
therefore i wont get to the library till 4.30
and ill have to leave by 6.30 to get home on time
it sounds like alot of time
but i dont want to have to walk all that far
and so i was like is there any possible way some one else can pick her up
[[shes not my responsibility!!!!]]
i didnt say that lol
and well he said
im asking u to do it
so i didnt text back
and then he wrote
"are you talking to some boy and meeting him?"
and that pissed me off
so i was like yes dad thats exactly why i planned on going to the library. youve got me all figured out....my whole damn life revolves around boys
and he was like i dont think your life should be revolved around boys but theres something different about u and im going to figure it out.
ugggghhh
so i said whats different
and he didnt respond
WTF????

thats right, beautiful

why do i have to love him you know
so last week i felt good when a couple people commented on the blog about him
saying hes a dick and stuff
and i felt
empowered
like YEAH HE IS A DICK
but he text me today
and i'm all into it
like i smile when he says stuff
and we have nice conversations
idk 
fuck

check it!,

got 99 problems and my bitch is one eh?

me and raul are talking again
i'm so confused with life
i know i deserve better
but i don't beleive there is better as an option for me right now
and if im going to be with an asshole
might as well be my baby right
and we have our good times:
-the time we met and he was walking in circles and i kept looking at him but i thought he was dumb
-the times he was mean to my bro for me
-the time we met downtown and he gave me his bus money
-the time we had a weird noise contest
-the times i would be like hey babe when he was telling me a story and he would be like what and i say i dont give a fuck lol
-the time he kept calling me brace face
-the time he made allies with my brother

DANG!
thats not alot but its more than i could claim with david. the only fun time we had was sexing and him tryna convince me he knew chris brown

AGAIN!
so kristen snuck out last night
and i helped him
then i lied to my dad bout him sneaking out
and so now im in trouble.

so dont call me kay?

i chilled with kylee yesterday 
it was pretty intense

and well kristens over
and he keeps being a fucking douche
and so far hes told me:
-i'm not going to amount to anything because i cut my wrists 
(he announced it in front of my lil brothers and sisters!!! douche!)
-i only have a's and b's because i dont have a life
-i dont have any friends
-the reason i dont have friends at school is because i'm a failure
-art shows are academics so im really lame
-and best of all i'm white washed

yeah thats all i can think of but it pissed me off.
i really dont get that boy
he can talk shit all he wants because he doesnt do shit with his life
hes been ditching
smoking weed allday
selling drugs
and getting all f's

AND I'M THE FAILURE?

i told him to just shut the fuck up already 
idk i need some good comebacks
im terrible at that
i just laugh at him
help?

i wasnt going to come to school today
but dad said if i didnt i couldnt do anything over the weekend
which i know ill end up wanting to do something

to look at my old entries.
i just went through alot of them
up to last summer
and i realized...
there once was a time when i was happy with brandon
when he would call and it wouldnt be some dramatic crying fest or crazy confession.
Instead....It just made me happy.
i just want to be happy again
we used to be one
we used to go to the park and play on the swings
he used to hold me
we had sex
i dont see that anymore
i cant feel it
i cant even beleive it
its hard to talk to him now

SPEAKING OF WHICH:
i must record our conversation bout the miscarriage
so ill always remeber why i hate him:::

D:So brandon...theres something i really need to tell you...can i message you on myspace?
B:yeah that fine
D:writes message about miscarriage and him and our baby
B:wow...i'm glad your telling me
D:sorry it took so long
B:i wish you would have told me sooner
D:whys that?
B:i could have helped you ya know
D:no brandon, you couldn't have. what if i had told you the moment i found out i was pregnant?
what would you have done? anything? what if i didnt have a miscariage....we would have a baby..what would you do?
B:well i would have tried my best to help
D:oh...i guess
B:i'm sorry.
D:why are you typing back short answers? doesnt this have any effect on you?
B:sorry i'm at work
D:well then text me later
B:no i want to talk now. im bored
D:well lets change the subject
...

THATS IT!!! 
i fucking despise him
i really do.
we havent talked much at all since then.
maybe once.

so yesterday i got so many exciting books that ive been waiting for:
-uglies by scott westerfield
-city of ashes (part 2 of the mortal instruments series) by clarissa clare
-walking on eggshells (a book recommended by my psychologist)
-rebels angels (part 2 of a great and terrible beauty) by Libba Bray
-and catcher in the rye which is for school 

SO...
i went to bed at like 8.30 last night
i finished my sonnet just before bed
its about rape in the congos
i dont necisarily like it
but public schools
expects so much fucking less from us
so ill probably get an A
anyways i read before i went to bed
and when i woke up
my left eye was killing me
still is
it feels like theres a needle in there 
whatver the fuck that means
GAH
ive been dressing hippie-ish lately
i like it
i think rob and faith changed me
im so much more chill now
whatever the fuck that means
ugh.
i need to stop saying that
but its stuck
everytime i dont understand something completely
im like..
whatever the fuck that means
ive even done it to my teachers
i find it ummm disrespectful sort of 
not that i give a shit bout my teachers
but yeah

haha
i called my teacher a scrot last week
it was so fucking funny 
cause it was a complete accident
and she asked me what it meant
and i said it was off a movie
i dont understand how u cannot get scrot?
scrot---scrotum??
DUH?