forever more

what does it even mean???

Mon, 12 May 2008 01:41:29 GMT

i got an anonymous comment under the last post i talked shit bout my dad and it said thank u as a subject and thats it, guy. as the comment. im so confused. it worries me a bit tho. insights??

Sun, 11 May 2008 21:09:26 GMT

ps.
ive been smoking like crazy. every weekend. i know its not alot but still im supposed to stop this year lol

ray

Sun, 11 May 2008 21:06:21 GMT

so... ray (the castlerock boy i was talkin to). yeah well were together. but the thing is its not like normal together with me. i dunno. let me elaborate i guess. SOOOO you know how normally when i talk to boys its like what ever and im all oh player this player that blah blah blah. WELLLL i dont feel the need to be like that with him. i think that its time i settle down you know. like all my life my parents raised me as if all this love bullshit was just a game. and i always had to have the upperhand you know. i never EVER put my all into a relationship. i never have trusted a guy. ive never wanted to be in a serious relationship with a guy, but with him i do. i dont kno i was thinking the other day about the future, and who us girls are going to marry. and i was like kylee will marry some hood dude whos secretly like us on the side (DANIEL!) and danzal will marrry this vegan animal rights tree hugger white bohemian guy and well ill be alone. and thats how i really saw it. and i dont want that i want to love somebody. i want to love ray. and i know that its possible. i trust him. and when were together it seems like nothing could go wrong. and even when he does do fucked up shit im okay with it. and well hes okay with me for me ya know. i dont have to worry about pretendin to be some one im not with him. like this one time he came over when i was sick and my hair was in a fro and i didnt have any make up on and i hadnt even taken a shower yet and well he acted like everything was okay and he just layed there and hugged me and it was great. like i didnt feel weird at all. i dont know. im sure this sounds dumb...but i know we have potential. and im glad that hes in my life. and if u think about it.... it wouldnt have happened if all that fucked up shit didnt happen this summer. wow.

im really fucking pissed

Mon, 05 May 2008 18:08:41 GMT

so im going to keep writing
because i need to vent:
so idk what the fuck i need to do to get some go damn freedom. okay so i had sex with 2 boys...apparently that puts u on slut status on my dads terms. ive had sex 5 fucking times....and 2 were the same night with david!! and when i brang that up to my dad he was like "hah those are the ones i know about" what the fuck is that supposed to mean? i dont think he understands im not a fucking hoe...it took me so long to fuck david...and brandon was a mistake im not going to make again. And now hes assuming the fucking worst about me. I dont think he understands that no matter how much he tries, im not going to just turn into a little girl again. i cant make myself a virgin again and i cant change the past. instead of trying to change the past now why didnt he change the future when i was younger. maybe if he fucking cared he would have fought for me and not let me fall under that evil bitches spell. and maybe if he fucking cared he would have paid a bit more attention to who the fuck he was leaving me with....and maybe i wouldnt have been forced into being sexually active as a kid. I GET IT....im fucked up. but the thing is...im not going to magically transform into this perfect fucking arvada blessing child. im going to be no matter what but i want him to know its a mother fucking good thing...because now im strong. probably stronger than most girls in my school. not only that but im fearless now. i know how to handle mine and im not letting anyone get in the way. ive learned to fucking survive. how to get past all this bullshit and still come out on top. but thats never fucking good enough is it? because im not supposed to be me right???? well to fucking bad.

parental unit major misfuniction

Mon, 05 May 2008 17:55:10 GMT

so lately my dad hasnt been letting me leave very often
and when i ask why hes saying its because
he said so
like what kind of fucking reason is that
and i thought he was just being a dick
but i'm starting to understand his true motives
so heres the details
caroline told me he asked her if ive been having boys over
and when she said no he accused her of lying
he also told caroline that hanging out with kylees boyfriend
is going to make me want a boyfriend
and he doesnt want that to happen
and everytime someone calls he asks who it is and where i met them
and now i just asked to go to the library after school
cause i have a final in my ap class wednesday morning
and he said well pick up heather first and bring her home then you can go
and so i was like dad i cant
because it take half an hour to get there
and half an hour to get back
and i have to be home by 8
therefore i wont get to the library till 4.30
and ill have to leave by 6.30 to get home on time
it sounds like alot of time
but i dont want to have to walk all that far
and so i was like is there any possible way some one else can pick her up
[[shes not my responsibility!!!!]]
i didnt say that lol
and well he said
im asking u to do it
so i didnt text back
and then he wrote
"are you talking to some boy and meeting him?"
and that pissed me off
so i was like yes dad thats exactly why i planned on going to the library. youve got me all figured out....my whole damn life revolves around boys
and he was like i dont think your life should be revolved around boys but theres something different about u and im going to figure it out.
ugggghhh
so i said whats different
and he didnt respond
WTF????

Mon, 05 May 2008 03:09:03 GMT

i think i might be in love with ray
i know im only 17
and im always talkin bout were still so young
lets not try to rush life
yada yada yada
BUT
i would do absolutely anything for that boy
and i could picture us
all married and having a family
and he makes me smile so much
idk
ima creeper.
i hope he feels the same way

haha im hilarious

Sun, 04 May 2008 23:28:06 GMT

im flirting with dee ray and jonah at the same time and i realized i can have any one i just have to make the first move and stop bein so damn shy

beautiful

Fri, 02 May 2008 18:12:06 GMT

thats right, beautiful

JONAHHH

Fri, 02 May 2008 18:05:49 GMT

so i met this boy named jonah
and at first i was hesitant to talk to him
cause hes not very cute
like not really ugly just not cute enough for my standards
ANYWAYS
he called me last night
and hes so fucking cool
we had some good conversations
like about how he thinks forgetting words is hilarious
and he always says "your hilarious"
and i say that!
and he drives fast cars
&& i love boys who are into street racing
and he was like yeah girls always have problems with me wasting money on my car
BUT I DONT! =]
and we were talking about jesus cable lol its called skyangel
AND
he likes to fucking cook
SEE ITS PERFECT lmao

i dont really remember but it was fun
and when we hung up the phone
we both text eachother right away lol
LAME
he thinks we should be together
i want to..
but hes not cute =[
DILLEMA

Thu, 01 May 2008 18:59:50 GMT

haha fuck wad.
i was siitng here reading camilles posts
and i was really into it
im wearing this oversized hoodie
and well my arm was all wrapped up in the sleeve
so i had my face resting on my hand right
and ALL OF THE SUDDEN
the damn hoodie unwraps causing too much room
sending my fingers flying into my eye
the same eye ill have u know
and i couldnt see
and it looked like i was crying
but i was trying to hard not to laugh

ANYWAYS

once again i woke up late
i think my bodies gone into SUMMER MODE
cause ive been late everyday this week and last

and so last night my grinder came in
its so tight it has a smiley face
and a kif (or is it spelled keef?) catcher
and it makes my/our bud all nice and not chunky lol
so techincally
me and kristen are sharing it
along with our weed
and our tasty puff shit we got

4 weeks til summer
i need a job

why

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 22:30:49 GMT

why do i have to love him you know
so last week i felt good when a couple people commented on the blog about him
saying hes a dick and stuff
and i felt
empowered
like YEAH HE IS A DICK
but he text me today
and i'm all into it
like i smile when he says stuff
and we have nice conversations
idk
fuck

3rd post today

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:59:41 GMT

check it!,

got 99 problems and my bitch is one eh?

me and raul are talking again
i'm so confused with life
i know i deserve better
but i don't beleive there is better as an option for me right now
and if im going to be with an asshole
might as well be my ~~baby~~ right
and we have our good times:
-the time we met and he was walking in circles and i kept looking at him but i thought he was dumb
-the times he was mean to my bro for me
-the time we met downtown and he gave me his bus money
-the time we had a weird noise contest
-the times i would be like hey babe when he was telling me a story and he would be like what and i say i dont give a fuck lol
-the time he kept calling me brace face
-the time he made allies with my brother

DANG!
thats not alot but its more than i could claim with david. the only fun time we had was sexing and him tryna convince me he knew chris brown

are you

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:48:28 GMT

fucking kidding me?
my school blocks deviant art too!!!
WTF?
is this like the DSA hater school
no gay pride
no art
whats next
they ban breathing?

SYKE!

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:42:08 GMT

changed my mind bout livejournal
i need it.

ANYWAYS
i hate ugly girls
ALOT
the end

fucking grounded

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 00:03:05 GMT

AGAIN!
so kristen snuck out last night
and i helped him
then i lied to my dad bout him sneaking out
and so now im in trouble.

so dont call me kay?

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 19:55:28 GMT

today shall be a good day

i have to go get this chocolate phone looked at
so i might switch phones
then i gotta go to the post office
and mail that dude the phone from ebay
then me and my brother are going to apex
to go get some shit
so we can make sum money

i like makin money...
bitch

I shouldnt be here

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 18:46:17 GMT

i chilled with kylee yesterday
it was pretty intense

and well kristens over
and he keeps being a fucking douche
and so far hes told me:
-i'm not going to amount to anything because i cut my wrists
(he announced it in front of my lil brothers and sisters!!! douche!)
-i only have a's and b's because i dont have a life
-i dont have any friends
-the reason i dont have friends at school is because i'm a failure
-art shows are academics so im really lame
-and best of all i'm white washed

yeah thats all i can think of but it pissed me off.
i really dont get that boy
he can talk shit all he wants because he doesnt do shit with his life
hes been ditching
smoking weed allday
selling drugs
and getting all f's

AND I'M THE FAILURE?

i told him to just shut the fuck up already
idk i need some good comebacks
im terrible at that
i just laugh at him
help?

i wasnt going to come to school today
but dad said if i didnt i couldnt do anything over the weekend
which i know ill end up wanting to do something

it hurts

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 13:59:34 GMT

to look at my old entries.
i just went through alot of them
up to last summer
and i realized...
there once was a time when i was happy with brandon
when he would call and it wouldnt be some dramatic crying fest or crazy confession.
Instead....It just made me happy.
i just want to be happy again
we used to be one
we used to go to the park and play on the swings
he used to hold me
we had sex
i dont see that anymore
i cant feel it
i cant even beleive it
its hard to talk to him now

SPEAKING OF WHICH:
i must record our conversation bout the miscarriage
so ill always remeber why i hate him:::

D:So brandon...theres something i really need to tell you...can i message you on myspace?
B:yeah that fine
D:writes message about miscarriage and him and our baby
B:wow...i'm glad your telling me
D:sorry it took so long
B:i wish you would have told me sooner
D:whys that?
B:i could have helped you ya know
D:no brandon, you couldn't have. what if i had told you the moment i found out i was pregnant?
what would you have done? anything? what if i didnt have a miscariage....we would have a baby..what would you do?
B:well i would have tried my best to help
D:oh...i guess
B:i'm sorry.
D:why are you typing back short answers? doesnt this have any effect on you?
B:sorry i'm at work
D:well then text me later
B:no i want to talk now. im bored
D:well lets change the subject
...

THATS IT!!!
i fucking despise him
i really do.
we havent talked much at all since then.
maybe once.

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 13:30:48 GMT

so yesterday i got so many exciting books that ive been waiting for:
-uglies by scott westerfield
-city of ashes (part 2 of the mortal instruments series) by clarissa clare
-walking on eggshells (a book recommended by my psychologist)
-rebels angels (part 2 of a great and terrible beauty) by Libba Bray
-and catcher in the rye which is for school

SO...
i went to bed at like 8.30 last night
i finished my sonnet just before bed
its about rape in the congos
i dont necisarily like it
but public schools
expects so much fucking less from us
so ill probably get an A
anyways i read before i went to bed
and when i woke up
my left eye was killing me
still is
it feels like theres a needle in there
whatver the fuck that means
GAH
ive been dressing hippie-ish lately
i like it
i think rob and faith changed me
im so much more chill now
whatever the fuck that means
ugh.
i need to stop saying that
but its stuck
everytime i dont understand something completely
im like..
whatever the fuck that means
ive even done it to my teachers
i find it ummm disrespectful sort of
not that i give a shit bout my teachers
but yeah

haha
i called my teacher a scrot last week
it was so fucking funny
cause it was a complete accident
and she asked me what it meant
and i said it was off a movie
i dont understand how u cannot get scrot?
scrot---scrotum??
DUH?

DYING

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 18:07:36 GMT

i dont the people around me realize..
that i'm not afraid to die
i want it
i crave it
if i wasnt such a fucking chicken shit
i would be dead right now

gahh.
ive been suicidal these past 2 weeks.
like bad.
its to the point where its all i think about
the thing is...
i dont think i could leave my brothers and sisters
i know they need me.
so ive been fighting back
but nobody is fucking helping
i told my dad
i told my friends
i even told my fucking psychologist.
and everyone just says its going to be okay
its not fucking okay!!!
do i need to actually fucking die for these people to listen?

WTF???

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 17:59:31 GMT

so i realized day of silence was coming up so i just went to go look to see when it was exactly...and even after i found the date i thought it would be fun to go on the site...maybe not fun...maybe more interesting. ANYWAYS my school district (JEFFCO) blocked the fucking site!!! what kind of bullshit is that!?! LIKE its bad or something..we can go on fucking games but we can't go on the day of silence website? we have that fucking day off gahhh.

anyways i fucking hate the girls at my school!
the end =]

so the other day

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 01:35:48 GMT

i dont remember if i mentioned my breakdown..
but i cut up my arm again

and anyways this isnt the point of this post

the point is

my dad looked at my arm and said more scars eh?
and i said im all scarred up already...it cant get much worse?
and he said u know dejerae,,,,scars heal even the emotional ones.

IT MEANT SOMETHING TO ME.

FUCK YOU

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 01:27:24 GMT

so kristen just came over to get some shit
and my friends rob and faith were here
and he looked so pissed cause dad dont let him have friends over
and rob is a boy
and we were in the basement
it was fucking cool.
anyways
im really fucking suicidal
i know i need help
but no ones really willing to accept that
im trying to get help
i even told my psychologist i was suicidal
and my dad
they all kind of just brush it off
im really considering it.

so i was sitting here

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 21:05:43 GMT

being mad
humming hey jude
and i realized
its not that fucking bad
ill just have to stay in my room for a while
so itd be nice of u to call and entertain me
7204952607

everyone

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 20:54:33 GMT

in this fucking house is being a dick.
My dads mad because i borrowed his camera without asking
and broke his sd card
but i gave him the motherfucking money for a new one
and i aplogized and promised to never use his stuff without asking again

and well uncle john john always pisses me off

and caroline is making me mad because shes the only one who knows the truth bout the sd card
and my dads like yeah and u supposably broke my sd card
like why the fucc would he say that unless he knew the truth

and i asked rose to give me and heather a ride to the library
and the bitch said no
i have 17 mothafucking books
i know its not her problem
but fuck
it wont kill u to do me a favor

and heather just told me that
my dad said the kids cant come downstairs anymore
because he dont trust them
maybe cause shawn slept down here last night
but whatever

FUCK EVERYONE

I CAN MAKE IT ON MY OWN

robb faith and andre are supposed to come over
lets see if they do